there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
