I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
