Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
