Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
