my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
