We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
