his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
