All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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