Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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