1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
