her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
