I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
