Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
