Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
