R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
