i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
