If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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