apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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