i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
