I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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