last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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