never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
