Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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