I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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