Tell her she can't have a vagina
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
