Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
