The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
