I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
