Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
