I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
