i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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