I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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