I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
