Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
