she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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