Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
