Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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