May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
