Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
