could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
