i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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