tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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