if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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