I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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