you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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