I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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