I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
