Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
