I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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