the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
