my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
