im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize