no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
